The Stages of Mum

Sometimes, reading other blogs can make you feel alienated. They have such a perfect life, taking perfect photos on their perfect outings with their perfect routines. Whereas your life is full of mishaps and parenting fails.

Sometimes, my life is that perfect image but most of the time I am the imperfect Mum. Here are the many stages of Mum that I am or have been:

Zombie Mum

Sleep? What’s that? Your child wakes every hour demanding feeding or insists on playing ‘Spit the Dummy Out’ every time your head hits the pillow. Now you’re at Zombie Mum stage. Your eyes are peeled open, your feet drag along the floor and ‘sleep’ is a foreign word.

You go about your day adding salt to your coffee and putting gloves on your feet. You even manage to lose a slice of toast and it later turns up in your dressing gown pocket. The cogs just don’t work in your once active brain!

Accident Prone Mum

You pick up your phone to read a text. Bop! Your phone slips from your hand, hitting your little one. Cue blood curdling screams. Luckily, they’re not hurt. Just shocked.

Then there’s that time that we cut their nails and accidentally caught their skin. Or the time when you pulled their zip up, catching their chin. Not to mention the time when you walked through a door and managed to somehow bounce them off it. And the time when the swimming teacher tells you you’re drowning your child…

Social Media Mum

Mummy is just going to read this one tweet…. You strain your neck over the top of your baby’s head, trying to make out the text. Waiting was not an option.

Your child has become so familiar with this sight that they decide they’re going to be helpful. So whilst you’re quickly typing up a post, Little Hands is helping out by swiping their hands across the screen and deleting the post. You raise your arm, holding your phone at arms length with Little Hands furiously twisting and turning to reach it.

Octopus Mum

You’ve waited an hour for your little one to go off to the Land of Nod. It’s not happening. Now, you know you’re going to have to negotiate your daily jobs with a baby that requires your attention.

You pop them into a chair, fill the sink and turn on the music. And you’re off. Bottles are being washed, child is being entertained by you boogying and kettle is boiling because you really need that coffee. Child then gets bored of your boogying so you bribe them with toys. Now we’re adding Picking up the toys to the mix.

During this time, the washing machine finishes so now you’ve got bottles sterilising, a coffee on the go, child playing shotput with toys (and expecting them to be brought back) and a load of whites that need hanging. Then goes the door…you know the feeling.

Snap Happy Mum

You’ve got the perfect post and now need the perfect photo. You pose your child and snap! photo taken. An examination of the photo shows they were moving. Grr! Back you go, placing your little one back into the pose. However, this time Little One isn’t playing ball. They wriggle and squirm, and you take bursts of photos hoping that one might be decent enough. It’s no use. Off you go to take a photo of an inanimate object instead. At least it will co-operate.

Play date Mum

Or should I say ‘Lack of Playdates Mum’. You picture the perfect scene of dressing your baby up, meeting with friends and going off to some baby related class where you’re going to have lots of fun.

The reality is that your baby pukes on your well planned outfit and decides they’re going to have a meltdown in public which gains you stares from other mothers, making you feel like the worlds worst Mum. You mutter to your baby that you’ll take them home if they don’t behave to which your baby stares blankly back as they’re 5 months old and don’t have a flipping clue what you’re saying! You then decide that you’re hibernating for the next week as you need to recover.

So as you can see, life isn’t picture perfect for me and I suppose I’ve come to realise that this doesn’t make me a bad Mum, this makes me human!

Which one are you?